Eyes of the Tiger: The Concrete Jungle

Me as a Toddler Driving. Your girl still barely knows how to drive.

In New York you grow up fast; you learn how to ignore the bums on the street, learn how to walk with your eyes forward and chin up, confidently striding to portray a sense of power, in case anyone tries to test you.

The first place that I became consciously aware of was New York City.

In New York, there was no room for childhood. By the time I was able to collect, process, and remember thoughts, I was in survival mode. Being born into an unstable home in which survival was dependent on my growth and independence, I had to do it all. Double time.

New York, through my eyes, was a sea of cultures and people that I could rely on and distract myself with when I was neglected and under the stress of instability. New York was also a place where I had to protect myself from not only the evil lurking behind every street corner, and counter in bodegas, but also the evil that slept in my home, and was the source of pain for many years.

From Brooklyn, to the Bronx, the place, oddly enough, that sticks to my memory the most is China Town. I'm not exactly sure if we even lived in China Town, or how much time I spent there, but my scattered childhood memories recall thinking I lived in China.

China Town, Manhattan Circa 2005

The memories of China Town that rush through my brain, morph and merge, distorted by the passage of time. Its not accuracy that I'm exactly telling here to be frank, but the feelings and experiences I remember.

I grew to admire the fast pace, yet balanced lifestyle of the Chinese in New York City, specifically the women shop owners. The way they would go about swiftly and firmly shouting in their native tongue, and when a customer would come in, their grin would pleasantly and motherly say in english "How may I help you?"

I fell in love the bonds they had with their spirituality, family, and ancestral lineage. And the way they brought a piece of China to the United Sates. Coming from a young, Afro-Latina who didn't have a strong bond or sense of who she was and where she came from, this was admirable.

The way they fulfilled their roles as mothers, fathers, workers, shop owners and community members. To be a part of something they deemed proud of. It was all I longed for, really.

I remember entering a shop, and seeing this jolly jade buddha statue glistening under the reflection of the indoor water fountain, laughing peacefully, yet richly. Living in the fountainkoi fish gliding in circles around a stalk of bamboo.

Yet, the most vivid image of the shop was not that fountain, or the Chinese opera playing in the background, but the assortment of posters on the wall. It was the tiger poster on the wall, which had big red lettering at the top; "虎年 1998" was written.

Later I would discover that 1998 was"The year of the Tiger". This moment would carve its place in my memory, for whatever reason, for the rest of my life.

Not the exact poster, but the tiger is similar to the one I remember.

Eye to eye, I met this Chinese portrayal of a Tiger in a shop in China Town, New York circa 2006. Not much thought came to me at the time. But, as with everything, time allowed me to find meaning.

The tiger represents strength, majesty and survival. It represents both awe and fear in its presence. The feline represents the protection and preservation of all goodness and destruction of all evil.

Years passed from the moment I recall in that shop, I became a survivor. From gradually losing my family starting with my mother, and losing myself with them, I became strength.

I was torn apart and completely demolished from the inside. I was a beast, much like the Tiger. Little did I know, beasts are some of the most beautiful creatures that walk on earth.

Whatever goodness I had inside me, I had to store away and save while I destroyed the evil that I was becoming. It was hard going through so much pain and suffrage, and not becoming it.

I became the strongest person in every room I walked in. I became the loudest, the most cunning. I became the temple of goodness and passion. I still, till this day, am working on, not controlling the beautiful beast that I am, but guiding her towards peace.

Ironically enough, the year I am writing this, is also 虎年, "The Year of the Tiger" (2022).

This year I have grown more than in all my years of life. I have found so much peace, guidance and love inside myself, but most importantly, I have finally found the strength to share my story.

The end of each of my stories, is the beginning of the next. Just like the tiger, I too was raised in a Jungle, although concrete, I survived the wild .

The tiger has become a staple symbol in my life of perseverance, resilience and overcoming hard times. I often look back at my extraordinary life, and believe that the fierceness I have today is the same fierceness of the wild beast.

Above is my very first and only tattoo of the great beast, as well as a few things I began to collect this year.